The Ultimate Guide To Being a Single Parent – 10 Things You Need To Know

Our must-read guide covers parenting orders, money, your rights, the law, Family Court, child support, lawyers and more.

Updated 3 August 2024

Summary

The ending of a relationship that subsequently renders you a single parent is life-changing.
Regardless of the circumstances that led to this situation, the question most people ask – once they have gathered their thoughts is – what now? We have put together this guide to take you beyond ‘survival mode’ and into your way forward.

A couple of caveats:

Firstly, this guide is not a substitute for professional advice. While we hope the experiences of others may be of help, you should also consult with qualified personnel regarding your legal and financial decisions.
And secondly, while every effort has been made not to demonise the parent who does not have day-to-day care, there are inevitable conflicts that will and do arise.
We have written this guide for you, the parent with majority care, and in your favour. This guide is biased towards you by necessity, and unapologetically. The challenge you face with managing children is much greater than the person who no longer has that day-to-day responsibility, and needs to be acknowledged.

Summary of the Ultimate Guide to Being a Single Parent:

Related Guide: How to Protect Your Finances from Inflation

What’s Plan B? Know What You (Don’t) Want

In the very early days of your single parenthood, your head will likely still be spinning. But you can’t just run away from it all, because you have a child or children. So you keep going. You’re functional, but that’s all. There’s generally no mental energy to think about the future.

If this is you, there’s good news. You don’t need to have a five-year plan mapped out just yet. You may not have that capacity right now. Planning for the future means you need to be able to see a future. Maybe you’re not there yet, and you don’t know what you want.

What to do next:

You may not know what you do want, but after your recent experience, it’s a safe bet that you know what you don’t want. This is as good a starting place as any to begin putting things in place to ensure your past does not determine your future.
Make a list of what you don't want. The alternate options will begin to present themselves as you go.

First Steps

Ask yourself - what is my source of income going forward?

If you were a stay-at-home parent, your former partner was likely supporting you, but this is no longer a certainty. If this is you, your first stop should an appointment with Work and Income – see our guides for how to navigate the system.
Top Tip – present yourself as if it was a job interview for the best results.
It would help if you also started keeping a journal. Psychologists tell us that when emotion is connected to an event, it is burned into your memory – which can prove useful – but it is just as likely that you may ‘blackout’ traumatic memories as well. Having a journal means that in the future you can recall exactly what happened and when, which can save you money. We expand on this further in the legal section below.

Money must-do actions

Open a bank account in your name: Do you and your former partner have a joint bank account or accounts? For the immediate requirement of day-to-day cash flow, one of the first things you should do is open a bank account solely in your name, if you don’t have one already. This is for your protection in case your ex decides to withdraw money; it has been known to happen.
De-link joint finances: You will need to immediate unshackle your joint finances to remove liability for debt on credit cards, store cards, overdrafts etc. Your credit rating will be impacted by your ex partner's spending.
De-link shared bills:There may be other services or utilities you shared that you need to transition into your name. It’s astounding how many people are still watching Netflix on their ex’s login a couple of years down the track.

The Budget – pay yourself first

One concept you should grasp immediately is known as “pay yourself first". Most people in the workforce have their tax taken out automatically and paid to the government before any money even reaches their bank account. The government doesn’t wait for their cut, and neither should you.

Save smart and save right

Many people’s approach to saving money involves paying all their bills and then seeing what they have left over. This approach is a sure way to ensure you never save anything.
Instead, paying yourself first means putting aside savings as soon as you get paid and before all your outgoings. It’s hard, and it takes discipline.
Make a chart, put it on the wall and have the kids colour it in as your savings grow. That visual representation is a positive that will give you a lift when you look at it.

Already struggling? Saving for bills will help make life easier

Maybe you think that if you put money into savings you won’t have enough to meet your bills. You’re likely struggling with that already. Apply this same principle by part-paying a little money each week onto the power bill before it’s due.
In this manner, you reduce the size of the bill before you get it. Yes, it means giving the power or phone company money before it’s due. But it can help to ensure you keep your household in the black. Remember – this is just one option.
Some banks and credit unions, one being FIrst Credit Union and Kiwibank, offer free bank accounts you can name for specific purposes. This helps you manage your bills and separates your money for what it's needed for.

The Budget – the new economy and how to save

How can you align your income and expenditure with the new reality of the financial situation you're in? This one is a bit more tricky and requires a change in mindset. But you will see the obvious stuff. In a nutshell, you'll need to cut down on money wastage:

Subscriptions to anything you don’t use all the time should be the first to go. Our list of 20+ ways to save on household bills has further ideas.
Reducing food wastage comes next. For example, instead of throwing out those over-ripe bananas, bake some muffins and stretch them a little further.
Sell unwanted items. For example, listing that massive pile of unwatched DVDs on Trade Me may go towards this month’s power bill. Our Trade Me selling guide has useful tips.
In a nutshell, Creativity is your friend right now.

Do you have a beloved pet?

Such a creature can be a member of the family for many people and a great source of comfort during traumatic times. However, let's be realistic – perhaps you’re not one of those people.
Perhaps your ex-partner even left a pet behind that you’re not fond of. If the pet belonged to your ex-partner, it would be polite to give them the option of taking their pet.
If not, and you’re not in a place to love your pet, consider re-homing the animal to someone who will care for them, and consequently, saving yourself the associated costs of continuing to care for a pet you don’t want.

The Budget – Income

The other thing to consider is alternative sources of income. If you are fortunate enough to own property, there may be options for providing rental accommodation to others that will generate an income. Taking on a boarder or even an exchange student are other options for supplementing your income – providing, of course, the people concerned are safe to be around your children.

Working part-time can be more difficult than first imagined

If your children are already at school or childcare each day, it’s a great time to consider part-time work during school hours.
Be prepared though – if you haven’t worked in some time, this will be an adjustment, and it means you have to juggle work, home, kids, cooking, cleaning, baths and bedtime on your own.
Please don’t underestimate the mental fortitude and energy required for returning to work, but in your current situation, it is an option to consider.

Working from home means part-time work can be more flexible
One of the few benefits of the current global pandemic has been the number of roles that have transitioned to a work-from-home arrangement. This is great news for single parents who have more options than ever before for being able to work, and still be at home when the kids get back from school. While this can reduce your emotional availability to your children even though physically present, again, your situation is not perfect, and this is another option for getting ahead financially.

Getting back into work is easier than a breakup
Perhaps these are options you had not considered before, and so with them come a certain amount of fear of the unknown. However, you have already survived one of the most life-changing events – a breakup – and you are still here. Risk is something that now needs to be considered in order to set about rebuilding your future – and if you had the strength to get this far, you might surprise yourself what else you are capable of.

Mind Tricks – when others spend your money for you

Warning: This is not a pleasant topic – but it needs to be talked about, as many single parents complain about this phenomenon that caught them unawares.

As previously mentioned, the early days after your breakup are confusing times. You will be learning a whole new way of thinking about and dealing with somebody you loved, and maybe still have confused feelings about. Which means you also need to un-learn some things, in case you get taken advantage of.

Know this:

In many cases, the person who did not retain day-to-day care of the children can quickly fall into an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ mentality.
You may find in a short time that not only do they forget how hard it is raising children with two parents in the home, but they have no appreciation of how difficult it is for you doing it solo.
This can lead to selfish decisions by them, especially once the IRD comes knocking on their door for child support. They may become critical of your decisions with the children and claim they have more authority to give their feedback because “I pay child support.” This is not uncommon, but it can also be taken to another level that you need to be aware of.
Your ex-partner may start looking for ways to incur costs for you, things they approve of “their” child support being spent on. For example, taking your child to the dentist or doctor, and having that health professional contact you with suggested treatments for your child that you are then expected to pay for.
If you do not agree with the money being spent, then it's best practice to direct the bill collectors to your ex, and don’t accept the responsibility. This may be the cause of conflict, but remember that you did not initiate the spending. If your ex did not consult you, that bill belongs to them.
Another common example includes your ex receiving a well-dressed child from you and sending the same child back to you in old clothes while they keep the new outfits you bought. This is another practice often considered “justified” by the paying of child support. This is not OK, and brings further imbalance to your financial situations. Don’t accept it.

Street Legal: Property

If you were married, or had lived together for long enough, it could mean that your former partner can make a claim for half of everything you own – including your KiwiSaver. Assuming you know that your relationship is over for good, this needs to be settled as early as practically possible. There are two reasons for this:

You can’t plan for the future if you don’t know what you’ve got to work with
Depending on the nature of your breakup, your former partner may be more agreeable early on, and to be brutally honest, you should capitalise on this. If this bothers you, look at it from this perspective:

Statistically, the person who takes the bulk of the responsibility for the children will take much longer to get back on their feet financially.
Any advantage you can gain will cost the other person a lot less than what it will cost you long-term if you don’t take it.
Do it for your kids. If they want to let you keep the house, keep it and get it formalised by a lawyer.

Important: The other thing to bear in mind in terms of your rights is that the person who moved out is no longer entitled to walk back in any time they feel like it. They have legally and financially disadvantaged themselves by doing so. You don’t need to let them back in to get that electric frying pan they left behind – all of these things are in your possession until such time as things are settled by a lawyer.

Having said that, do what you can not to antagonise the situation. That never ends well for anybody.

Street Legal: Amiable Agreements – it can happen

While this may not be an option for you, there are people out there who have amicable breakups with their partners. In cases like these, you are much more likely to make agreements that benefit your children and each other. These types of situations are win-win if they are within your reach.

For example, your ex-partner may offer to pay for all your child’s schooling and medical costs in exchange for a voluntary Child Support agreement. Weigh such things up in terms of their actual value, and make sure it works for you and your children’s situations before agreeing to changes.

You should attempt to be objective about this, as there is a large difference between being amiable and keeping quiet for the sake of peace. Top Tip – the second option usually does not result in peace.

If you do decide to overlook certain issues in order to make things easier for you in other areas, this is ultimately up to you. Different people will have different views on how breakups should be handled, and we’re not here to judge. Just ensure it works for you.

Street Legal: Custody

This is a big one and how this is handled can mean the difference between everyone moving on with their lives peaceably, or the opposite extreme – which can end up being more traumatic than the breakup was.

Know this:

Engaging a lawyer to formalise a parenting agreement is a good idea.
But, engaging a lawyer with the intention of going to the Family Court is (usually) a terrible idea, and everybody who takes this path ends up out of pocket and limping home, including the parent who retains the lion’s share of the custody arrangement.

Family Court and Parenting Orders - What You Need to Know
Understanding what the Family Court can and cannot do for you is a big step in avoiding huge and never-ending legal bills. Here is an overview:

1. The Family Court does not usually empower you (in fact, in many situations, it delivers quite the opposite).

The first concept you need to grasp in relation to the Family Court is that they prefer not to be involved. Their best outcome is for the two parents to resolve their differences themselves. This can be done in a Family Court Mediation.
Once matters are brought to a Family Court Hearing, you need to understand that this is the process of the decision being removed from the parents and placed in the hands of a Judge to decide the outcome. The Judge will simply inform you at that point what is going to happen. This is not the optimal outcome for you, your ex-partner, or frankly, your wallet.

2. The Family Court has no jurisdiction over Child Support.

Child Support, and who pays what, is governed by the Inland Revenue Department (IRD). There is no provision within the law for any Family Court Judge to rule on it, so using this method in an attempt to (a) pay less Child Support or (b) gain more Child Support is utterly futile. Assuming you have majority care of the children, the other parent will be the paying parent, but if you know they are planning to initiate custody proceedings in an attempt to get off paying child support, tell them to do themselves (and you) a favour and not to bother as it won't be an effective strategy.
There have been cases where the receiving parent agrees to forfeit certain entitlements in order to negotiate a more favourable custody arrangement, but you need to understand that these arrangements, even if written into your Parenting Order, are not enforceable by law.
Child Support is governed by the IRD and is gathered in the same way taxes are from the paying parent. You will only receive payments from the other parent via the IRD, and only if you are working. If you are on a benefit such as the Domestic Purposes Benefit (DPB), the paying parent’s child support payments will go to Work and Income to subsidise your benefit. In that case, the only way you will see any of it is if the paying parent’s contribution happens to be more than your benefit, which is highly unlikely.

3. Your Lawyer is not always on your side

This is very important to get your head around, and while we are not suggesting that any lawyer you choose will not work for a favourable outcome for you, it's important you need to understand that your lawyer’s success and your success are not necessarily the same thing.
You may have many items on your agenda that are all important to you; your lawyer only has one item on theirs: reaching an agreement. They need to see the case resolved, and that means they may advise you to compromise for the sake of reaching an agreement. If you accept a compromise, you need to do so on your own terms, not the lawyer’s.
To put it another way, the only people – generally speaking – who really understand your predicament are those who are in the same boat as you. Don’t expect the lawyer to “get it” – you will be disappointed.
Letting your lawyer talk you into conceding important points will lead to you subsequently feeling like things are unresolved, possibly going back for another round at court, and losing more money.

4. The Law and Justice are not the same thing

Another concept to understand if you are to be successful in Court is that the Law is an emotionless set of rules that is open to interpretation. Conversely, Justice (or the lack thereof) is a concept that evokes deep feelings of hurt, betrayal and needing to right wrongs. This is what can contribute to the trauma of the Family Court.
You may have a list of evidence regarding offences committed by the other party. And that’s good. But depending who is in the room and which Judge you get that day, they may not want to hear your list. You need an alternative approach.
Essentially, it is often the person who refuses to back down that gets what they want in a courtroom. Being articulate and forthright (or having a lawyer who can articulate your views) will show the other proponents in the room that you are firm and they need to negotiate with you, not the other way around.
You may not be this type of person normally, but fighting for your child’s best interests can bring a surprising amount of clarity to the situation. The emotions involved, as mentioned previously, can give you the ability to recall facts your lawyer may not – even if they wrote them down.
Essentially, be the strongest voice in the room. If you pursue what you believe are in your child’s best interests, it takes you out of the equation and enables you to fight for things you wouldn’t normally ask for yourself. If you see yourself as the underdog, the best thing you can do is understand that this is a fight, and treat it as such.
It was once said that in war, there is no such thing as a fair fight. 100 to nothing is about the right score, and you do everything in your power to make the fight as unfair as possible – as quickly as possible. This is paraphrased from a book called “Into the Storm: A Study in Command” by Tom Clancy with retired U.S. General Fred Franks. It may seem extreme, but if you end up in court, you need to make sure you resolve it quickly, to minimise the financial impact, and for the sake of the well being of your children.

5. What you actually get for your money.

This is where the rubber meets the road. Many people make agreements with their ex-partners which are then used by their lawyer to produce a Parenting Agreement. And many people assume that everything in the Order agreed to by the parties is legally enforceable. Sadly, this is not the case.
Why? Let's explain: When your ex agreed they wouldn’t put your child into a school holiday program, they can completely ignore that agreement if they choose – and there will be no sirens. You could generate a deafening amount of noise regarding this injustice. Although that’s all it will be.. noise. You will quickly discover that no one cares… least of all the Judge.
If the above hyperbole was too vague, what that means is that the only thing in your Parenting Order that an Officer of the Law can enforce is when your child goes to the other parent, and when they return. Even then, if the child announces loudly that they don’t want to go, the Police are not permitted to simply man-handle your child into the car. An extreme situation, yes, but if that ever happened, your Parenting Order becomes redundant.
Seriously think about these things before you initiate court action and spend thousands of dollars.

Conclusion: Self-Care – when should it be about you?

There are many single parents who, upon acquiring that status, flick some switch in their head where they decide that the kids come first, and it is no longer about them. An admirable response – but not a good long-term strategy. In fact, this step should really be first, but we know it probably wasn’t your primary concern when you began reading this guide.

One of the reasons this guide mentions saving is so that – at times – you can treat yourself. One of the biggest issues around single parenting is mental health. Sometimes it’s good to just get out of your day-to-day life for a bit. Having savings can enable you that weekend away for a change of scene. If you and your ex partner have alternating weekends, this is a great option on those weekends you don’t have the kids.

As the older generation like to say, “If you don’t have money, you don’t have options.”

Related Guides:

Money Tips: